A dry spell

Well, it's been a long time since I last post here.

I've been going through a lot of soul searching recently. The last couple of months have contained a few large-scale rejections, and not many encouraging signs. I've been sick a couple of times and have found it more and more difficult to write.

I don't know what I'm going to do next. I feel utterly disconnected from the words I try to write. From the things I want to make. From the person I want to be.

What I've been trying to do - especially in the short term, that is - to write and make short films and to market myself as a fiction director - has failed. It appears to me with complete clarity that I'll never impress a single person in this world - nor make anything that represents what I think - by trying to calculatedly make a product that tries to hit the buttons of people I don't even know.

I've been trying to second-guess people, schemes, competitions and film festivals for so long, I can't remember the kind of films I want to make any more, I can no long remember what it is I want to say about the world or how I want to say it. I can't even look at the films I've made without wondering who the person is who made them - it surely can't be me? Would I watch or enjoy these things? How did this happen?

At the moment I've got a couple of ideas - and I've been trying to force myself to write more of my Crusader script (barely 3 pages in 2 weeks) - wherever I cast my nets, they come up empty.

I don't know how long I can last out here in this empty place alone, with nothing on the horizon and only my inadequacies for company.

I want to get back to where I was at the beginning of the year, writing steadily, blogging steadily. I just don't know if what I produce is worth the effort - very few people seem to think so - and whether I'm worthy of thinking of myself as a writer.