Well, it's been a long time since I last post here.
I've been going through a lot of soul searching recently. The last couple of months have contained a few large-scale rejections, and not many encouraging signs. I've been sick a couple of times and have found it more and more difficult to write.
I don't know what I'm going to do next. I feel utterly disconnected from the words I try to write. From the things I want to make. From the person I want to be.
What I've been trying to do - especially in the short term, that is - to write and make short films and to market myself as a fiction director - has failed. It appears to me with complete clarity that I'll never impress a single person in this world - nor make anything that represents what I think - by trying to calculatedly make a product that tries to hit the buttons of people I don't even know.
I've been trying to second-guess people, schemes, competitions and film festivals for so long, I can't remember the kind of films I want to make any more, I can no long remember what it is I want to say about the world or how I want to say it. I can't even look at the films I've made without wondering who the person is who made them - it surely can't be me? Would I watch or enjoy these things? How did this happen?
At the moment I've got a couple of ideas - and I've been trying to force myself to write more of my Crusader script (barely 3 pages in 2 weeks) - wherever I cast my nets, they come up empty.
I don't know how long I can last out here in this empty place alone, with nothing on the horizon and only my inadequacies for company.
I want to get back to where I was at the beginning of the year, writing steadily, blogging steadily. I just don't know if what I produce is worth the effort - very few people seem to think so - and whether I'm worthy of thinking of myself as a writer.
Sunday 26 July 2009
Thursday 28 May 2009
Day 80
11:50
Well, I'm back. I don't know how long for, I won't be foolish enough to pretend that it will last for long - but for the first time in a month, I've got the time to write this blog and hopefully work on a bit of writing, so damn it, that's what I'm going to do.
Right after I've gone to the post office.
12:18
Sent off my invoice for the last month's work. I've been working pretty much like a dog over the last five weeks since I last blogged - shooting and cutting a TV advert and then shooting, cutting and doing the effects for a corporate video. In the couple of days I had off, I wrote an internet drama series pitch for a company - about Christian teens. That's not really within my sphere of knowledge so we'll have to wait and see how it goes... I'd be surprised if it goes much further.
My projects have been lying in tatters for nearly two months... Pilgrim (the crusader script), Cult (the play), Jack in a Box (the TV pilot), the next two series of the internet drama Paperjail, too...
I don't even know where I'm going to start. Since it's for a pal of mine, and it's reasonably well structured, I'll probably start with Jack in a Box, and move on from there.
Wish me luck.
15:37
This is what I hate about writing. Half of every fucking day I write, I end up staring into space, trying to work out what the word is for something you have seen a million times but don't know the word for.
You know how in bars, libraries and police stations, or anywhere that necessitates working behind a long desk, there's a hinged bit - like a gate - you flip over to get in or out of it? What the fuck do you call that? Why have I been working fruitlessly on finding this one word for about half an hour?
I hate this shit.
01:15
Ashamed to say I cashed out kind of early today - I tried banging my head against the computer until about 8pm but then had to go out food shopping, cook, and now it's late.
So, pretty much a bust today. I went over the plans for the screenplay, then hashed out about a scene and a half. It's one of those endlessly crisscrossing scenes that spools mismatched jigsaw bits out of your head and you spend hours trying to fit them together with some semblance of order and pace. I'll see if it goes any better tomorrow.
word count: about 500
hours writing: 1.5
Well, I'm back. I don't know how long for, I won't be foolish enough to pretend that it will last for long - but for the first time in a month, I've got the time to write this blog and hopefully work on a bit of writing, so damn it, that's what I'm going to do.
Right after I've gone to the post office.
12:18
Sent off my invoice for the last month's work. I've been working pretty much like a dog over the last five weeks since I last blogged - shooting and cutting a TV advert and then shooting, cutting and doing the effects for a corporate video. In the couple of days I had off, I wrote an internet drama series pitch for a company - about Christian teens. That's not really within my sphere of knowledge so we'll have to wait and see how it goes... I'd be surprised if it goes much further.
My projects have been lying in tatters for nearly two months... Pilgrim (the crusader script), Cult (the play), Jack in a Box (the TV pilot), the next two series of the internet drama Paperjail, too...
I don't even know where I'm going to start. Since it's for a pal of mine, and it's reasonably well structured, I'll probably start with Jack in a Box, and move on from there.
Wish me luck.
15:37
This is what I hate about writing. Half of every fucking day I write, I end up staring into space, trying to work out what the word is for something you have seen a million times but don't know the word for.
You know how in bars, libraries and police stations, or anywhere that necessitates working behind a long desk, there's a hinged bit - like a gate - you flip over to get in or out of it? What the fuck do you call that? Why have I been working fruitlessly on finding this one word for about half an hour?
I hate this shit.
01:15
Ashamed to say I cashed out kind of early today - I tried banging my head against the computer until about 8pm but then had to go out food shopping, cook, and now it's late.
So, pretty much a bust today. I went over the plans for the screenplay, then hashed out about a scene and a half. It's one of those endlessly crisscrossing scenes that spools mismatched jigsaw bits out of your head and you spend hours trying to fit them together with some semblance of order and pace. I'll see if it goes any better tomorrow.
word count: about 500
hours writing: 1.5
Saturday 25 April 2009
Day 79
04:00
A dispiriting week in a few ways, but after a lot of moping, doing shit I didn't really want to, and other stuff, I finally got off my ass, and wrote 2,000 words over 4 hours for, I think, the first time this month. And that feels great.
Also, my good friend Will Herbert sent me this awesome link today, which for anyone who ever wants to write a TV pilot or series bible - or is just a huge The Wire or BattleStar Galactica fan, will completely love. Thanks for that, man.
So, my word quota and hours finally done for at least one day of the month, I'm going to go to bed now, extremely tired, but feeling a little bit better about myself.
word count: 2,141
hours writing: 4
A dispiriting week in a few ways, but after a lot of moping, doing shit I didn't really want to, and other stuff, I finally got off my ass, and wrote 2,000 words over 4 hours for, I think, the first time this month. And that feels great.
Also, my good friend Will Herbert sent me this awesome link today, which for anyone who ever wants to write a TV pilot or series bible - or is just a huge The Wire or BattleStar Galactica fan, will completely love. Thanks for that, man.
So, my word quota and hours finally done for at least one day of the month, I'm going to go to bed now, extremely tired, but feeling a little bit better about myself.
word count: 2,141
hours writing: 4
Monday 20 April 2009
Day 78
17:48
Had a day talking about the future, helping my sister go off on her train back to Oxford. Since the wait was a few hours, I took her to see Monsters Vs Aliens in 3D. It pretty much sucked, except for the 3D bits and Seth Rogen.
I keep wondering why so many movies can be so admirably proficient in technique and yet so lacking in any kind of merit. I think it might be due to the fact that large audiences are so stupid, and small ones are so fragmented. Blockbusters are treated like they're cheeseburgers by the studios who control them. And indie films are created in such a hothouse of preciousness, their unchecked egos result in as many drossy movies as the studios' unchecked commercialism.
I wonder if in our desperate hunger for something to see, that us as audiences, in big groups or small, are discerning enough for the kind of films that used to be made in Hollywood, by studios and featuring big actors, and could also be considered - in any way - to be an art form.
Nowadays there aren't many studio (or indie) films that aren't put together exquisitely - which anyone will recognize who's tried to make a film themselves. But beyond their beautifully constructed parts, a lot of these movies have no actual worth.
Like I said - in the end, I think it comes down to us - the audience. If we don't deserve good films to watch, and if we don't go to see them when they miraculously show up, then they won't be repeated, and we simply won't get them any more.
23:07
Watched the new Mitchell Hurwitz animation Sit Down, Shut Up. It was pretty much slated in the U.S. press but I thought it was funny. Heard the weirdest and coolest song on youtube - a freaky little tune and music video called Little Wings by a Florida singer-songwriter called Mark Gormley, which would be perfect for the end and credits to my long-running project Evil Dude. So I'm getting excited and distracted by that. I wonder if he's the kind of guy who would let me use it?
02:38
Wrote for about an hour and a half, and did the first pass of 12 shots for Evil Dude. My outline has gone from very long passages describing a single scene to a list of HUGE PLOT POINTS IN CAPITALS, but this seems like progress - my biggest problem is nearly always breaking the wall between my idea for the beginning or first half of the story and the rest of it.
Apart from that, it's late and I'm tired. See you tomorrow. Maybe in the morning.
word count: 500
hours writing: 1.5
Had a day talking about the future, helping my sister go off on her train back to Oxford. Since the wait was a few hours, I took her to see Monsters Vs Aliens in 3D. It pretty much sucked, except for the 3D bits and Seth Rogen.
I keep wondering why so many movies can be so admirably proficient in technique and yet so lacking in any kind of merit. I think it might be due to the fact that large audiences are so stupid, and small ones are so fragmented. Blockbusters are treated like they're cheeseburgers by the studios who control them. And indie films are created in such a hothouse of preciousness, their unchecked egos result in as many drossy movies as the studios' unchecked commercialism.
I wonder if in our desperate hunger for something to see, that us as audiences, in big groups or small, are discerning enough for the kind of films that used to be made in Hollywood, by studios and featuring big actors, and could also be considered - in any way - to be an art form.
Nowadays there aren't many studio (or indie) films that aren't put together exquisitely - which anyone will recognize who's tried to make a film themselves. But beyond their beautifully constructed parts, a lot of these movies have no actual worth.
Like I said - in the end, I think it comes down to us - the audience. If we don't deserve good films to watch, and if we don't go to see them when they miraculously show up, then they won't be repeated, and we simply won't get them any more.
23:07
Watched the new Mitchell Hurwitz animation Sit Down, Shut Up. It was pretty much slated in the U.S. press but I thought it was funny. Heard the weirdest and coolest song on youtube - a freaky little tune and music video called Little Wings by a Florida singer-songwriter called Mark Gormley, which would be perfect for the end and credits to my long-running project Evil Dude. So I'm getting excited and distracted by that. I wonder if he's the kind of guy who would let me use it?
02:38
Wrote for about an hour and a half, and did the first pass of 12 shots for Evil Dude. My outline has gone from very long passages describing a single scene to a list of HUGE PLOT POINTS IN CAPITALS, but this seems like progress - my biggest problem is nearly always breaking the wall between my idea for the beginning or first half of the story and the rest of it.
Apart from that, it's late and I'm tired. See you tomorrow. Maybe in the morning.
word count: 500
hours writing: 1.5
Saturday 18 April 2009
Day 77
10:24
I woke up at 7am this morning because my worthless new phone (never buy Samsung) started its 'low battery alert'. So I've been up for more than three hours now, pretty bleary-eyed, watching onion news network videos and reading an excellent book I got the other week called Writing the TV Drama Series by Pamela Douglas.
Got a lot more done yesterday than I expected - I think I finally might have cleared some of that intense creative block that's hampered me the last month or so. However, we'll see how that goes by the end of the day.
In a completely informal way, I've been hoping to write and finish something this month as I signed up to this "competition" called ScriptFrenzy.
Check it out if you've got the time. The point of this scheme seems to be to get very impressed with yourself at writing any old 100 pages of shit: I mean, I'm pretty sure that Jack Nicholson's 'All work and no play make Jack a dull boy' manuscript in The Shining would qualify as a legitimate piece of work on this competition. The main reason it seems to exist is to be bombarded by incoherent e-mails by a well-meaning lady called Jennifer Artz, whose every missive leaves you irrationally screaming "STOP SMOTHERING ME!" I don't know if I'll finish in time for the competition rules - 30th April. Which is kind of a shame: I hear you get a nice printable certificate by e-mail that you can stick on your wall.
I don't mean to sound snooty about the certificate, either - I really would like one. I could stick it up next to the only things I've received from supposedly legitimate festivals like Cannes, & Berlin, Rotterdam, Toronoto IFFs - tiny little credit-card receipts for hundreds upon hundreds of wasted pounds in competition fees, international postage and other competition bullshit. On reflection, it's amazing how little juice you get out of all of those crushed dreams.
Anyway, it's a stunning, sunny day in Glasgow. And quiet, too. Probably because it's Sunday morning, and all of the locals are still in alcohol-induced comas.
So I really should probably start to get some writing done.
16:31
Did some shopping for vitamins, went off to say goodbye to my sister, who's staying at my parents' place. Amazing how quickly you can squander a whole day.
Decided to check out my twitter thing again. This was something I signed up to last year so that I could let clients get progress reports from my home. Personally, I think the whole thing is pretty stupid. But putting inane little messages that no-one will read on a website, along with writing these inane little paragraphs right here that no-one else will read, is surely a much better way to spend the day than actually doing some writing.
23:51
Spent about three hours on my driving theory test this evening - getting a driving license in the next couple of months is going to be a big part of my future. More about this over the next couple of days - I bet you can't wait.
Apart from that, got about an hour of writing in. So, over all, not a great day's work - but at least the sun shone and I felt happy.
And neither of those things happen every day.
word count: about 400
hours writing: 1
I woke up at 7am this morning because my worthless new phone (never buy Samsung) started its 'low battery alert'. So I've been up for more than three hours now, pretty bleary-eyed, watching onion news network videos and reading an excellent book I got the other week called Writing the TV Drama Series by Pamela Douglas.
Got a lot more done yesterday than I expected - I think I finally might have cleared some of that intense creative block that's hampered me the last month or so. However, we'll see how that goes by the end of the day.
In a completely informal way, I've been hoping to write and finish something this month as I signed up to this "competition" called ScriptFrenzy.
Check it out if you've got the time. The point of this scheme seems to be to get very impressed with yourself at writing any old 100 pages of shit: I mean, I'm pretty sure that Jack Nicholson's 'All work and no play make Jack a dull boy' manuscript in The Shining would qualify as a legitimate piece of work on this competition. The main reason it seems to exist is to be bombarded by incoherent e-mails by a well-meaning lady called Jennifer Artz, whose every missive leaves you irrationally screaming "STOP SMOTHERING ME!" I don't know if I'll finish in time for the competition rules - 30th April. Which is kind of a shame: I hear you get a nice printable certificate by e-mail that you can stick on your wall.
I don't mean to sound snooty about the certificate, either - I really would like one. I could stick it up next to the only things I've received from supposedly legitimate festivals like Cannes, & Berlin, Rotterdam, Toronoto IFFs - tiny little credit-card receipts for hundreds upon hundreds of wasted pounds in competition fees, international postage and other competition bullshit. On reflection, it's amazing how little juice you get out of all of those crushed dreams.
Anyway, it's a stunning, sunny day in Glasgow. And quiet, too. Probably because it's Sunday morning, and all of the locals are still in alcohol-induced comas.
So I really should probably start to get some writing done.
16:31
Did some shopping for vitamins, went off to say goodbye to my sister, who's staying at my parents' place. Amazing how quickly you can squander a whole day.
Decided to check out my twitter thing again. This was something I signed up to last year so that I could let clients get progress reports from my home. Personally, I think the whole thing is pretty stupid. But putting inane little messages that no-one will read on a website, along with writing these inane little paragraphs right here that no-one else will read, is surely a much better way to spend the day than actually doing some writing.
23:51
Spent about three hours on my driving theory test this evening - getting a driving license in the next couple of months is going to be a big part of my future. More about this over the next couple of days - I bet you can't wait.
Apart from that, got about an hour of writing in. So, over all, not a great day's work - but at least the sun shone and I felt happy.
And neither of those things happen every day.
word count: about 400
hours writing: 1
Day 76
17:10
Just got back from a week in the Isle of Skye, celebrating my Dad's 60th Birthday. It's absolutely beautiful there - the weather was fantastic, and the South of the Island - where we stayed - is as close to paradise as you can get in the Highlands.
Since I blogged last, my idea was that this weeks was going to be a bit of a working holiday: time for me to recuperate and start to get my routine and my edge back. But this is never the way it works. Instead, me and my beautiful girlfriend spent a week with virtually no sleep, sandwiched between various yelling family members that the lovely timber cottage we were staying in amplified to the level I would expect if you tried to fall asleep in a washer-dryer filled with pennies on full cycle, and then I spent the last four days with a pretty head-crushing case of the flu. So, as so many of us do, I get back home from holiday with the wish that I could have an actual holiday starting now.
But anyone else would think that was being pretty spoiled whining about this: it was still a week in Skye. It was pretty magical, as the Scottish Islands always are. And, on the first day that I'm starting to feel better, I do feel a sense that I'm ready to get back to work after a long time of really not having the impetus or the desire. So, tomorrow, I'm going to try to start with the four hours again. And we'll see what happens.
But now I'm going to go and brave Argyll Street for some painkillers. After a week of contemplation in an untouched wilderness, Glasgow looks a lot more like Sodom and Gomorrah than it normally does.
00:01
Feel unusually inspired tonight. Have potentially made a big decision with my beautiful girlfriend about the future, which could be very exciting and lead to a lot more writing, too! If I feel this inspired for very long, I might actually finish this TV pilot outline within a reasonable frame of time.
I've made a new 'resolution', too - which is to put a lot more information about the projects here on the blog. Because I think this might be a lot more interesting than just me bitching on about how bad everything is going.
Anyway, it's midnight, and I feel like I could stay up for longer, but considering I was more or less delirious this time yesterday, it's probably a good time to go to bed.
word count: 743
hours writing: 1.75
Just got back from a week in the Isle of Skye, celebrating my Dad's 60th Birthday. It's absolutely beautiful there - the weather was fantastic, and the South of the Island - where we stayed - is as close to paradise as you can get in the Highlands.
Since I blogged last, my idea was that this weeks was going to be a bit of a working holiday: time for me to recuperate and start to get my routine and my edge back. But this is never the way it works. Instead, me and my beautiful girlfriend spent a week with virtually no sleep, sandwiched between various yelling family members that the lovely timber cottage we were staying in amplified to the level I would expect if you tried to fall asleep in a washer-dryer filled with pennies on full cycle, and then I spent the last four days with a pretty head-crushing case of the flu. So, as so many of us do, I get back home from holiday with the wish that I could have an actual holiday starting now.
But anyone else would think that was being pretty spoiled whining about this: it was still a week in Skye. It was pretty magical, as the Scottish Islands always are. And, on the first day that I'm starting to feel better, I do feel a sense that I'm ready to get back to work after a long time of really not having the impetus or the desire. So, tomorrow, I'm going to try to start with the four hours again. And we'll see what happens.
But now I'm going to go and brave Argyll Street for some painkillers. After a week of contemplation in an untouched wilderness, Glasgow looks a lot more like Sodom and Gomorrah than it normally does.
00:01
Feel unusually inspired tonight. Have potentially made a big decision with my beautiful girlfriend about the future, which could be very exciting and lead to a lot more writing, too! If I feel this inspired for very long, I might actually finish this TV pilot outline within a reasonable frame of time.
I've made a new 'resolution', too - which is to put a lot more information about the projects here on the blog. Because I think this might be a lot more interesting than just me bitching on about how bad everything is going.
Anyway, it's midnight, and I feel like I could stay up for longer, but considering I was more or less delirious this time yesterday, it's probably a good time to go to bed.
word count: 743
hours writing: 1.75
Wednesday 8 April 2009
Day 75
Hey! Guess who it is?
I had a pretty tough month. Apart from working in Chester, spending a week down in Oxford attending my Grandfather's funeral and doing one of the eulogies, I've also been without internet for at least half of the last two to three weeks, making this blog more or less impossible to do.
Sometimes life comes along and fucks your plans. Sometimes life comes along and does a lot more than fuck with your plans. All part of the glorious circle of life.
I haven't done much writing since my last post: a few thousand words here and there, but not much real, not much solid.
So I could tot up the few words and minutes that I've done and put them down in a big spreadsheet and beat the shit out of myself for not achieving anything between March and April, how it's impossible to fulfill my plan on the timeline, and all that self-hating rubbish.
But here's the thing. I'm going to write 12 screenplays. I'm going to work for 4 hours and 2000 words a day for twelve months. If I miss a day, if I can't do it, if life gets in the way, if I just don't damned well feel like it, then I'm not numbering that day. If it takes me more than twelve months to write these screenplays, then fuck it. I'll work this way until they're done. I'm not giving up just because life makes it difficult to achieve.
I've got a lot of stuff started that I haven't finished. I've got my Crusader script. I've got my play project. I've got a TV pilot I've been working on with my very good friend Will Herbert. I've got a new short I'd like to write. And I don't want it to take eight damned years to get around to finishing them.
So here goes.
02:00
Working on the plan for the TV script. It's coming together alright, if a bit slow. Going to bed now and will try to get some more done tomorrow.
word count: about 500
hours writing: about 2
I had a pretty tough month. Apart from working in Chester, spending a week down in Oxford attending my Grandfather's funeral and doing one of the eulogies, I've also been without internet for at least half of the last two to three weeks, making this blog more or less impossible to do.
Sometimes life comes along and fucks your plans. Sometimes life comes along and does a lot more than fuck with your plans. All part of the glorious circle of life.
I haven't done much writing since my last post: a few thousand words here and there, but not much real, not much solid.
So I could tot up the few words and minutes that I've done and put them down in a big spreadsheet and beat the shit out of myself for not achieving anything between March and April, how it's impossible to fulfill my plan on the timeline, and all that self-hating rubbish.
But here's the thing. I'm going to write 12 screenplays. I'm going to work for 4 hours and 2000 words a day for twelve months. If I miss a day, if I can't do it, if life gets in the way, if I just don't damned well feel like it, then I'm not numbering that day. If it takes me more than twelve months to write these screenplays, then fuck it. I'll work this way until they're done. I'm not giving up just because life makes it difficult to achieve.
I've got a lot of stuff started that I haven't finished. I've got my Crusader script. I've got my play project. I've got a TV pilot I've been working on with my very good friend Will Herbert. I've got a new short I'd like to write. And I don't want it to take eight damned years to get around to finishing them.
So here goes.
02:00
Working on the plan for the TV script. It's coming together alright, if a bit slow. Going to bed now and will try to get some more done tomorrow.
word count: about 500
hours writing: about 2
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