05:00
Not going to blog long now - really have to go to bed.
Worked on the short film again today - am rendering out a test to watch on the new HD monitor tomorrow. Exciting stuff!
Read lots of stuff to research my next project, but wrote a pitiful amount. I'm resigned to writing less until the short is done. But that's okay - so long as the film turns out to be worth it.
I'm not going to finish my screenplay this month, but I think I've put enough groundwork in to be able to finish them both off next month, and so keep to my quota.
Also watched 'The Shining' today - my first entire film seen in Blu-Ray. It's one of the most intense cinematic experiences I've ever had. Amazing: so many things I've never seen before. Blu ray is like being able to see through the eyes of the director for the first time. I suppose this was what it felt like when Jacobeans were finally treated to the folios of Jonson and Shakespeare after years of shoddy quarto knock-offs. Seeing a complete version of something - not to discount the many flaws that it might have, or the fact that there are other versions - but to see something complete and beautiful, for the first time. Just phenomenal.
But now I'm going to bed.
word count: 74
hours writing: 1
Friday, 27 February 2009
Thursday, 26 February 2009
Day 57
03:00
Got up at 9am, after about four hours sleep. Am fucked now.
Spent day doing lots of short film stuff, and a couple of hours writing and taking notes. Pathetic word count, nonetheless.
Also - to my absolute delight, my kick-ass new HD monitor arrived today. This means I finally have something to plug my new Playstation into (I got it on a deal with a new phone contract, I'm not sure how, but have been staring at it wistfully for months without having the moolah to connect it to anything...)
I put the untouched blu-ray of 'Bladerunner' that my beautiful girlfriend gave me for Christmas, and was absolutely amazed. For the first time in the history of the movies, it is possible to see film in better quality at home than at the cinema. I only watched a few minutes of Bladerunner - because I have shit to do - but I was astounded how little things that Ridley Scott obviously intended us to experience, from tiny moments of camera movement, to the brief shadow of red in the back of the replicant Leon's eye, that I never knew were there. I think this is going to be the most phenomenal tool to study movies. It finally allows the nuance of the cinematic experience into our homes.
But I'm fucking exhausted now, so I'm going to go to bed.
word count: 479
hours writing: 2
Got up at 9am, after about four hours sleep. Am fucked now.
Spent day doing lots of short film stuff, and a couple of hours writing and taking notes. Pathetic word count, nonetheless.
Also - to my absolute delight, my kick-ass new HD monitor arrived today. This means I finally have something to plug my new Playstation into (I got it on a deal with a new phone contract, I'm not sure how, but have been staring at it wistfully for months without having the moolah to connect it to anything...)
I put the untouched blu-ray of 'Bladerunner' that my beautiful girlfriend gave me for Christmas, and was absolutely amazed. For the first time in the history of the movies, it is possible to see film in better quality at home than at the cinema. I only watched a few minutes of Bladerunner - because I have shit to do - but I was astounded how little things that Ridley Scott obviously intended us to experience, from tiny moments of camera movement, to the brief shadow of red in the back of the replicant Leon's eye, that I never knew were there. I think this is going to be the most phenomenal tool to study movies. It finally allows the nuance of the cinematic experience into our homes.
But I'm fucking exhausted now, so I'm going to go to bed.
word count: 479
hours writing: 2
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Day 56
00:30
Got up at midday today, feeling awful. Spent a while working on re-rendering the bits of the short footage that didn't work out the first time, then went out with my beautiful girlfriend and had a look at a gym. I think I'm going to have to join it, as I've never been so unhealthy as in 2008: nowadays about the most exercise I get is when I eat a particularly large pie.
Have felt really sleepy all day, but I've spent at least an hour on my plan for the next project. I've been avoiding the crusader script like crazy, which makes me a giant fucking wimp - but I am making progress with the other one, and anything to avoid the misery of the last week's attempts at writing is a good thing. Also, I literally can't write a screenplay at the moment, because I can't use my script writing software at the same time as After Effects renders, unless I want wait ten seconds between each letter popping onto the screen. So planning on a notebook is a good thing to do while everything else renders.
Still, will continue working... now.
04:45
Knackered. Spent a little longer working on the plan, and a lot longer working on the movie...
Going to bed now.
word count: 450
hours writing: 1.5
Got up at midday today, feeling awful. Spent a while working on re-rendering the bits of the short footage that didn't work out the first time, then went out with my beautiful girlfriend and had a look at a gym. I think I'm going to have to join it, as I've never been so unhealthy as in 2008: nowadays about the most exercise I get is when I eat a particularly large pie.
Have felt really sleepy all day, but I've spent at least an hour on my plan for the next project. I've been avoiding the crusader script like crazy, which makes me a giant fucking wimp - but I am making progress with the other one, and anything to avoid the misery of the last week's attempts at writing is a good thing. Also, I literally can't write a screenplay at the moment, because I can't use my script writing software at the same time as After Effects renders, unless I want wait ten seconds between each letter popping onto the screen. So planning on a notebook is a good thing to do while everything else renders.
Still, will continue working... now.
04:45
Knackered. Spent a little longer working on the plan, and a lot longer working on the movie...
Going to bed now.
word count: 450
hours writing: 1.5
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Day 55
23:30
Well, I've been remiss at blogging today: I've spent the last twelve hours grading out the rest of my film and I've really had a good bash at it: in fact I'm rendering out 123 shots of my short, which make up the whole of the second half.
There will be a lot more work to do for this, but I feel much more positive for getting this much done - just 2 days ago I had less than 20 of the shots done - now I've got all of them (except for a couple of tricky ones) in some stage of readiness. So that's pretty damned good news.
As a result, I haven't managed to do any writing yet, which is really bad. So I'm going to sit down now and force myself to do a couple of hours.
Moods are funny things. A few days ago, I was writing 2,000 words a day, for six hours, but was feeling dreadful about myself. Today I've written zero, but feel like a rock star.
01:30
Not doing so well. Have been pondering things and writing snippets for an hour now - but almost certainly the poorest show of a poor month. I think tomorrow, before I get obsessed with the film again, I'll force myself to do a couple of hours straight away.
04:45
Haven't succeeded with writing at all today: but at least I've worked hard on the film. Will have to do a lot more writing tomorrow to catch up. I'm almost certain not to make my 50,000 word word quota this month. That's very disappointing.
word count: 600
hours writing: 1.5
Well, I've been remiss at blogging today: I've spent the last twelve hours grading out the rest of my film and I've really had a good bash at it: in fact I'm rendering out 123 shots of my short, which make up the whole of the second half.
There will be a lot more work to do for this, but I feel much more positive for getting this much done - just 2 days ago I had less than 20 of the shots done - now I've got all of them (except for a couple of tricky ones) in some stage of readiness. So that's pretty damned good news.
As a result, I haven't managed to do any writing yet, which is really bad. So I'm going to sit down now and force myself to do a couple of hours.
Moods are funny things. A few days ago, I was writing 2,000 words a day, for six hours, but was feeling dreadful about myself. Today I've written zero, but feel like a rock star.
01:30
Not doing so well. Have been pondering things and writing snippets for an hour now - but almost certainly the poorest show of a poor month. I think tomorrow, before I get obsessed with the film again, I'll force myself to do a couple of hours straight away.
04:45
Haven't succeeded with writing at all today: but at least I've worked hard on the film. Will have to do a lot more writing tomorrow to catch up. I'm almost certain not to make my 50,000 word word quota this month. That's very disappointing.
word count: 600
hours writing: 1.5
Monday, 23 February 2009
Day 54
18:00
Up at midday today, after having dreams about continually taking twenty pound notes out of the cashpoint and loosing them.
Trying to be more pro-active today. Instead of going over the same old broken shots on my short film, or staring at my screenplay and hating it, I decided to do a first grade over the next fifty shots of the short, and to work for a while on the next idea before coming back to this one.
Also, looking on my screenplay I've come upon what I think is the most depressing adjective is in the English Language:
'half-finished'.
Try to name one thing this adjective applies to that it doesn't render depressing.
'Incomplete' can be okay - a lot of brilliant works aren't entirely complete - Mozart's Mass in C minor, Raphael's Cartoons, the final series of Arrested Development: similarly, 'Fragment' is normally pretty awesome: from Fragments of Pyramid Hymns to 'Kublah Khan: A Vision' - it suggests a part of a lost whole that still reflects the entire piece's magnificence.
But 'half-finished' is always a kick in the balls. I mean, even the food on the Marie Celeste was meant to be half-finished. Something I've noticed about writing more is that no matter what you do, everything creative seems to feel half-finished. I wonder if it ever feels more complete.
01:00
Well, it's 1am and I've hardly done any writing again. I've scribbled out a couple of pages of notes on the next project idea, but nothing on the damned crusades piece. But I have managed to do a rough grade on over 50 shots of my short film, and I'm rendering out the rest - another 200 shots, roughly - right now. So that's really positive.
Will try working for another hour, probably, then go to bed, try to get up at a sensible time tomorrow.
03:00
I finished rendering all those shots, so that I can grade them in bunches, hopefully tomorrow and on wednesday. As a result of doing this mammoth task since about 4pm this afternoon, I haven't got much writing done, but have sketched out plans for the next project - and this feels good. I look at my spread sheet, at my diminishing hours and word counts and feel really pretty bad about it. But I'm doing only positive stuff right now, there's no point getting pissy about arbitrary goals when you're still doing good stuff.
Going to go to bed now, and hopefully get up a couple of hours earlier tomorrow.
word count: 692
hours writing: 2
Up at midday today, after having dreams about continually taking twenty pound notes out of the cashpoint and loosing them.
Trying to be more pro-active today. Instead of going over the same old broken shots on my short film, or staring at my screenplay and hating it, I decided to do a first grade over the next fifty shots of the short, and to work for a while on the next idea before coming back to this one.
Also, looking on my screenplay I've come upon what I think is the most depressing adjective is in the English Language:
'half-finished'.
Try to name one thing this adjective applies to that it doesn't render depressing.
'Incomplete' can be okay - a lot of brilliant works aren't entirely complete - Mozart's Mass in C minor, Raphael's Cartoons, the final series of Arrested Development: similarly, 'Fragment' is normally pretty awesome: from Fragments of Pyramid Hymns to 'Kublah Khan: A Vision' - it suggests a part of a lost whole that still reflects the entire piece's magnificence.
But 'half-finished' is always a kick in the balls. I mean, even the food on the Marie Celeste was meant to be half-finished. Something I've noticed about writing more is that no matter what you do, everything creative seems to feel half-finished. I wonder if it ever feels more complete.
01:00
Well, it's 1am and I've hardly done any writing again. I've scribbled out a couple of pages of notes on the next project idea, but nothing on the damned crusades piece. But I have managed to do a rough grade on over 50 shots of my short film, and I'm rendering out the rest - another 200 shots, roughly - right now. So that's really positive.
Will try working for another hour, probably, then go to bed, try to get up at a sensible time tomorrow.
03:00
I finished rendering all those shots, so that I can grade them in bunches, hopefully tomorrow and on wednesday. As a result of doing this mammoth task since about 4pm this afternoon, I haven't got much writing done, but have sketched out plans for the next project - and this feels good. I look at my spread sheet, at my diminishing hours and word counts and feel really pretty bad about it. But I'm doing only positive stuff right now, there's no point getting pissy about arbitrary goals when you're still doing good stuff.
Going to go to bed now, and hopefully get up a couple of hours earlier tomorrow.
word count: 692
hours writing: 2
Sunday, 22 February 2009
Day 53
14:30
Well, I set my alarm, but I have no idea what happened to it. Getting up earlier than 1pm for more than a couple of days at a time is turning out to be extremely difficult.
Feel slightly less miserable and sorry for myself today. I guess there are peaks and troughs: I guess I'm finally coming out of the worst part of the trough.
For the first time last night, I thought maybe that this unhappiness and inability to move forwards - or the inability to feel I was moving forwards - might be my first conscious experience of what they call "writer's block".
I always thought "writer's block" was a bunch of bullshit: because I've never experienced anything like it; and because the only time you ever hear the phrase is on movies and T.V. when someone like Billy Crystal stares can't think of anything to write - not even a single word - because his heart had been broken by some bitch and he normally expresses his inability to write by throwing his typewriter out of the window. Then someone teaches him to love again: suddenly he's a best-selling novelist and the movie ends. "Writer's block" always sounded like an excuse for moping and being lazy, which are two things I've never needed any excuse to participate in.
But - what if "writer's block" or whatever you want to call it, can be a mental state that affects you rather than your ability to work? What if, rather than a complete stop in writing output - it's a sudden lack of joy with what you're doing, and an unshakeable feeling that your writing - which is of exactly the same quality as what you've been doing before - is suddenly so worthless and inconsequential that your whole project - and your dreams along with them - should be abandoned?
That's how it's been feeling to me the last week - I haven't written nearly as much as I have been - but I've still managed about thirty pages of screenplay, plus the beginnings of ideas for a new project. It's not very much - but it's more than the absolute zero I feel I've been writing and struggling through. We all have our different inspirations and obstacles - but I think that my own sometimes-depressive nature has found its own version of this "writer's block" which sours the creative process, giving me the illusion that nothing I do can ever be good enough, or can be completed.
It's good to think that this new experience might just be part of a cycle - that it's just another obstacle that will come and go. We'll see what happens today: whether I'm able to get the smallest bit back on track.
02:30
Only done a couple of hours writing: been watching the Oscars streaming on the internet. After all, it only happens once a year. Bummed for Claudio Miranda - he deserved the cinematography award more than Slumdog Millionaire guy. As did Eric Roth over Simon Beaufoy. Why do all British people who win awards at the Oscars sound like such smug twats?
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Hugh Jackman has started singing and dancing with Beyonce. I just puked in my mouth. Then I broke seven toes from over-curling them. Your career is never going to recover from this. 'The Musical is Back!' Hugh Jackman shouts, in an attempt to make half a billion men around the world have their penises involuntarily retract into their bodies.
I'd rather Ben Stiller did the whole of the show in his Joaquin Phoenix persona than this dude. It's like they spliced together the Oscars with the sheer, untamed horrors of Mama Mia.
05:00
Saw the rest of the Oscars. Thought Danny Boyle and Sean Penn's speeches were actually really good, even though I wasn't rooting for them.
Now it's very late and I haven't achieved what I set out to, yet again.
No point crying over spilt milk. Will do another 15 minutes to round off my writing to a pitiful 2 hours, then go to bed.
word count: 1,018
hours writing: 2.5
Well, I set my alarm, but I have no idea what happened to it. Getting up earlier than 1pm for more than a couple of days at a time is turning out to be extremely difficult.
Feel slightly less miserable and sorry for myself today. I guess there are peaks and troughs: I guess I'm finally coming out of the worst part of the trough.
For the first time last night, I thought maybe that this unhappiness and inability to move forwards - or the inability to feel I was moving forwards - might be my first conscious experience of what they call "writer's block".
I always thought "writer's block" was a bunch of bullshit: because I've never experienced anything like it; and because the only time you ever hear the phrase is on movies and T.V. when someone like Billy Crystal stares can't think of anything to write - not even a single word - because his heart had been broken by some bitch and he normally expresses his inability to write by throwing his typewriter out of the window. Then someone teaches him to love again: suddenly he's a best-selling novelist and the movie ends. "Writer's block" always sounded like an excuse for moping and being lazy, which are two things I've never needed any excuse to participate in.
But - what if "writer's block" or whatever you want to call it, can be a mental state that affects you rather than your ability to work? What if, rather than a complete stop in writing output - it's a sudden lack of joy with what you're doing, and an unshakeable feeling that your writing - which is of exactly the same quality as what you've been doing before - is suddenly so worthless and inconsequential that your whole project - and your dreams along with them - should be abandoned?
That's how it's been feeling to me the last week - I haven't written nearly as much as I have been - but I've still managed about thirty pages of screenplay, plus the beginnings of ideas for a new project. It's not very much - but it's more than the absolute zero I feel I've been writing and struggling through. We all have our different inspirations and obstacles - but I think that my own sometimes-depressive nature has found its own version of this "writer's block" which sours the creative process, giving me the illusion that nothing I do can ever be good enough, or can be completed.
It's good to think that this new experience might just be part of a cycle - that it's just another obstacle that will come and go. We'll see what happens today: whether I'm able to get the smallest bit back on track.
02:30
Only done a couple of hours writing: been watching the Oscars streaming on the internet. After all, it only happens once a year. Bummed for Claudio Miranda - he deserved the cinematography award more than Slumdog Millionaire guy. As did Eric Roth over Simon Beaufoy. Why do all British people who win awards at the Oscars sound like such smug twats?
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Hugh Jackman has started singing and dancing with Beyonce. I just puked in my mouth. Then I broke seven toes from over-curling them. Your career is never going to recover from this. 'The Musical is Back!' Hugh Jackman shouts, in an attempt to make half a billion men around the world have their penises involuntarily retract into their bodies.
I'd rather Ben Stiller did the whole of the show in his Joaquin Phoenix persona than this dude. It's like they spliced together the Oscars with the sheer, untamed horrors of Mama Mia.
05:00
Saw the rest of the Oscars. Thought Danny Boyle and Sean Penn's speeches were actually really good, even though I wasn't rooting for them.
Now it's very late and I haven't achieved what I set out to, yet again.
No point crying over spilt milk. Will do another 15 minutes to round off my writing to a pitiful 2 hours, then go to bed.
word count: 1,018
hours writing: 2.5
Saturday, 21 February 2009
Day 52
23:45
I haven't done very much in the last twenty-four hours.
I spent a long time working on the short film, but it just wouldn't work. I've worked on one shot for something like ten hours now: this shot lasts for eight fucking seconds. There doesn't seem to be any way around it: either you spend eight hours to make your tiny pissy shot look barely acceptable, or you don't, and it looks terrible. The fucker is really becoming the bane of my existence. I have to find a way to speed this up: I just have to.
I can't help but feel disappointed in myself at the moment. I'm really finding it impossible to achieve anything, no matter how many hours I put in.
I'll sit down now and try to write something out.
04:00
Well, it's been a tough three hours. I'm finding it very difficult to write this screenplay: I know I've put down 'difficult' here many times already in just 50 days. What I mean to say is that, for some reason, I feel absolutely no inspiration - in fact, a constant kind of boredom - trying to pound this script out. It's a deeply depressing feeling that's almost impossible to shake off: the feeling that, with less than half of this script written, it's just not any good. I can either prolong the agony by looking back through it and spending weeks trying to improve the first half, or I can force myself through it so at least I can say, 'I finished a draft'.
It's difficult to work out what to do. All I can say that it feels really bad.
Well, I knew it wasn't going to be easy when I started this. I just didn't know how perpetually disappointed I would feel with myself and my abilities.
Still, there's always tomorrow.
word count: 1,086
hours writing: 3
I haven't done very much in the last twenty-four hours.
I spent a long time working on the short film, but it just wouldn't work. I've worked on one shot for something like ten hours now: this shot lasts for eight fucking seconds. There doesn't seem to be any way around it: either you spend eight hours to make your tiny pissy shot look barely acceptable, or you don't, and it looks terrible. The fucker is really becoming the bane of my existence. I have to find a way to speed this up: I just have to.
I can't help but feel disappointed in myself at the moment. I'm really finding it impossible to achieve anything, no matter how many hours I put in.
I'll sit down now and try to write something out.
04:00
Well, it's been a tough three hours. I'm finding it very difficult to write this screenplay: I know I've put down 'difficult' here many times already in just 50 days. What I mean to say is that, for some reason, I feel absolutely no inspiration - in fact, a constant kind of boredom - trying to pound this script out. It's a deeply depressing feeling that's almost impossible to shake off: the feeling that, with less than half of this script written, it's just not any good. I can either prolong the agony by looking back through it and spending weeks trying to improve the first half, or I can force myself through it so at least I can say, 'I finished a draft'.
It's difficult to work out what to do. All I can say that it feels really bad.
Well, I knew it wasn't going to be easy when I started this. I just didn't know how perpetually disappointed I would feel with myself and my abilities.
Still, there's always tomorrow.
word count: 1,086
hours writing: 3
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